The Semi Pro Hypotheses
by droidgirl
Summary: 5 Times Sheldon and Penny Were Thinking Totally Inappropriate Thoughts About Each Other and the 1 Time It Was Ok


"_Leonard, I don't think I can do this."_

"_What are you, kidding? You're a semi-pro!"_

_Sheldon and Leonard, Pilot Episode…at the Sperm Bank_

**1. The Grasshopper Experiment**

He was singing at the top of his lungs, lips red, cheeks flushed and voice surprisingly strong. She couldn't help but think to herself that she was the one who put that colour in his skin (sure, with slutty cuba libres). She also couldn't stop herself from considering how much she wanted to run her fingertips along the contours of his bottom lip.

Then he was sauntering over – _sauntering_, like a normal guy – and she had to remind herself it was fucking _Sheldon_.

She really, really had to have sex soon, if she was thinking about jumping across the bar and straddling those narrow hips…hips that would probably fit perfectly between her knees.

**2. The Panty Pinata Polarization**

The night he stole her clothes from the dryer, as he started stringing each item along the telephone wire, he found himself pausing as he surveyed the panties in his hands.

They were black, with delicate white lace detail along the front, and they were very, very small. Ridiculously tiny, in fact. As he stared at the scrap of cotton, his highly intelligent mind suddenly generated a very detailed, very accurate version of Penny wearing those panties. Wearing _only_ those panties, and that great, big, perfect smile she had.

This continued for a whole minute. Finally, he added them to the lineup of clothing hanging over the street, completing the task at hand.

After that, he spent about fifteen minutes in the bathroom, coming only when he heard her voice screaming his name at his front door.

**3. The Vegas Renormalization**

She was sleeping in the living room, and he couldn't even pretend he was asleep. It wasn't his room – it didn't feel right.

He thought about how short Penny's robe was, and found himself wanting to tiptoe out to the couch, to see if the pink material had ridden up any further.

Slowly, against his better judgment, his hand crept downwards along his body, brushing against the stiffening length under the layers of clothing he wore.

He really, really wanted to continue, but it wasn't his room – it didn't feel right.

Seriously. This was why people couldn't ever be in his room…

**4. The Adhesive Duck Deficiency**

Underneath her shorts, she wasn't wearing anything.

_Watch the lights._

Underneath her shorts, she wasn't wearing anything.

_Watch the frakking lights, Sheldon Lee Cooper._

Underneath her shorts, she wasn't wearing anything, and really, all he had to do was slide his hands up her smooth thigh and slip them inwards…he'd find himself touching that soft skin he had seen for a split second and if he shifted his fingers just a little, crooked them in that certain, magical angle…

She was asking why he was driving so slowly; if he didn't, they'd both be dead.

_Watch the lights._

_Remember, she's in pain, and that matters more, and never let it be said that Sheldon Lee Cooper..._

Underneath her shorts, there wasn't a single blessed thing except more Penny.

**5. The Spaghetti Catalyst**

His hair was messy, his eyes were bright and he was actually sweating. The way he looked as he held out that lonely little hot dog to her, his breathing heavy and laboured…

Penny wondered if he would have minded very much if she grabbed him by the front of his ugly, ugly jacket, hauled him into her bedroom and rode him hard.

As she closed the door, she could feel him standing close behind, feel the heat coming off his body as he shrugged off his coat.

He was still holding out that ridiculous hotdog to her when she turned to face him, and a crazy part of her was tempted to slide her lips over the wiener, while stroking the inside of his wrist with her fingers.

Instead, she grabbed the hotdog from him and sliced it up in the kitchen, dropping it into the boiling sauce.

As they ate, she couldn't help but think how nice it was, to have a friend like Sheldon.

**6. The Delayed Reaction**

"She said that I seemed to display physiological indications of arousal only when I'm around you." He repeated, a small frown creasing his brow as he looked at her. They were seated beside each other in her apartment, drinking herbal tea. It was the fancy kind she bought from Starbucks that cost ten-frickkin-dollars for a box of seventeen silk tea bags.

Well, Penny _was_ drinking tea. Now she was only staring at him with her mouth wide open, while he gingerly sipped at his steaming drink.

"What she meant was…" he started.

"I know what she meant." Penny snapped, shaking herself out of her stupor.

"You didn't say anything, so I thought that perhaps you…"

"Sheldon, what the hell was she talking about? That's not true!" she protested, her voice beginning to rise in panic. She ignored the intrigue that nonetheless started building in her belly.

"Apparently, whenever we spoke, my eyes dilate, I position my body in such a way so that I would be leaning closer to you, and my breathing becomes uneven." He explained, setting his mug down carefully on her coffee table. "That's how she explained it. And then she informed me that I never acted that way around her."

"Oh. But that doesn't mean that…I mean, there could be tons of other…" she tried to find the words. "Really? I thought it was because I drive you crazy…"

"Penny?" he asked, his eyes dropping to her lips.

"Yes?" Penny wondered when the room got warmer, and when his eyes became so damned blue.

"You're leaning closer and your eyes are dilated. And your breathing pattern seems to be growing steadily more erratic…" he observed.

"Yeah well…" she watched interestedly as he tilted his upper body towards her.

"For the record, you do drive me absolutely crazy." He said.

When their lips met, they stopped thinking.

The sex was great, and they weren't ever sure why they waited such a long time before they did it.


End file.
